*five high.

Birmingham recently snagged its very own Five Guys Burgers and Fries, and despite more than four years as a DC native, I'd never heard of the District bastion.

That could be because I'm not generally a big burger girl, or it could be that I have a tendency to avoid leaving the house and refer to things that happened more than a year ago as "recent."

In 2007, Birmingham Business Journal outlined what sounded like a cocaine-addict's business plan, meant to ensure that there is a Five Guys next door to every single living human on the planet, but as there's currently only one Woodside-adjacent location, I assume this wacky economy gave the administration pause to put down the blow for now.

As a professional contrarian, I'm sometimes put off by superlatives, and Five Guys does all it can to remind you that they are THE BEST.

The menu is simple—hamburgers and hot dogs, with or without bacon (with a "little" option for the kiddies), veggie burgers, and grilled cheese. Toppings are plentiful and free, and fries come in two sizes.

I ordered the grilled cheese, because I was afraid the veggie burger would have veggies in it. Mayo, lettuce, tomato, and freshfreshfresh onions, please.



Look! A vegetable! That's how you know this meal is healthy. Never mind that mayonnaise and cheese is arterial spackle; I have it on good authority that lettuce has cholesterol-neutralizing properties. My cardiologist told me that. Or maybe it was Paula Deen. I wasn't really paying attention.

There is something narcotic about this sandwich. Buttery, yielding bun; soft, mild, salty cheese; and crunchy veg. I know it sounds ridiculous to wax ecstatic about a grilled cheese, but cut me some slack. I haven't had a surprising front-stoop kiss from a nice boy in a very, very long time.

Overshare!

At Five Guys, it isn't really about the fries. They're a little overly brown for my taste, but that's tempered by the fact that they're served from a bulldozer. Quantity over quality, friends.



And now, with storm clouds gathering out other people's windows and work clothes bunching in uncomfortable ways, I'm jonesing for some 100% cotton and a brown bag of yum from FGBaF. Where there's coke in the business plan and heroin in the food.

Five Guys Burgers and Fries
585 Brookwood Village
Birmingham, AL 35209
205.414.8459