*economic futility.

The leaves outside my window are ablaze, and yet for some reason Jesus has set the thermostat at 75 degrees. What is that about? I can get behind an unseasonably warm November day, but NOT WHEN I HAVE TOO-EXPENSIVE NEW BOOTS THAT NEED TO BE WORN TO JUSTIFY THEIR ABJECTLY UNWARRANTED, UNWISE, AND UNSEASONABLE PURCHASE.

Or something less yelly. When the weather cools off, I think I'm going to need one of these. I have a hand-me-down metal teakettle on my stovetop, but it's utilitarian and the wrong color and mostly used to cover up the rust spots on one particular burner.



Although sometimes function begets fun. Like here.



I'm afraid I'm going to have to invest in some hens in order for it to truly serve its purpose. Not that I'm above that. I have a fondness for dumb animals.

In fact, that's one reason this could be a good idea.



J tends to give "scary things"—garbage bags, screened doors, his own shadow, etc.—a wide berth, but pea brains and conflagrations don't mix. Trust me.

He does stay far, far away from the food bowl I bought him (I KNOW). It was my instinct to take the ole crotchety you'll-eat-when-you're-hungry parent approach, but I discovered that the little brown genius would, in fact ... not. Maybe he'd prefer this, instead.



It has all the markers of terror-making—tall, funny-smelling, new ... But it's kicky and wine-related. That has to count for something.

And, because I haven't completely lost my mind, here's a little something for moi.



Yes. Yes, I do.

Daddy dearest, on the other hand, deserves this, which I'd hoped to purchase for him some time ago but never scraped together the funds (whoboughtboots?).



At the time I couldn't decide between the collections, but now I just think they're all delicious.

As is this.



It appeals to me as a fan of personal space.

My personal space would definitely benefit from this.



I'm having a possibly clichéd love affair with skeleton keys, and I like the graphic placement. The color is perfect for the Woodside, and the texture is very 1960s men's pajamas.

The texture is a winner here, too.



Plus it's really affordable for being completely handmade.

This is handmade, too, but cheap—mostly because it's DIY.



I've been lusting after the effect for a while now. I have one of those comes-with-the-house, kill-me-with-boredom white refrigerators, and this would be just the thing to dress it up. Provided I didn't accidentally turn 6 inches of the surrounding walls/floor into chalkboard at the same time.

Likely or unlikely? You decide.