*oh, lympics.

How do I love thee? You rock my ever-loving socks. Rarely do I get to see such a spectacle of camaraderie, fraternity, and self-congratulation all wrapped up in such a schmaltzy package. J'adore.

This year's hosts have courted controversy and censorship in equal stride, but for serious—the news that has come out of these Games so far has been bizarre. This is a country that wants to put buttercream frosting on its human rights violations and call it a cupcake. So they Photoshopped in some fireworks. Big woo. As though we Americans have a moral high horse on that front. I mean, am I right?



I'm right.

This cracked me up a little, though, I'll admit. If only for its righteous indignation: "Pigtailed Lin Miaoke was selected to appear because of her cute appearance and did not sing a note." That's infuriating! I can't believe a country would stand for that, and I think we can all agree. Can I see a show of hands?



Never mind.

This didn't amuse me in the slightest, though. I'm no doctor, and even I could tell something was wrong there. To paraphrase a certain tiny Einstein I know, "Sit down, Yao!"

The Olympiad has been popular this year, in part because of this guy:


Wolfgang Rattay/Reuters

who—RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND on the Apex TV of High Technology on the Woodside—won another gold medal, making him the winningest Olympian EVER. EHVV. ERR. Which may be why he looks something less than human in the above photo. (According to EXPERT Bob Costas, Mikey eats "three sandwiches of fried eggs, cheese, lettuce, tomato, fried onions, and mayonnaise; one omelet; a bowl of grits; three slices of French toast with powdered sugar; and three chocolate chip pancakes" for breakfast. Word to the wise: I have tried this diet, and it works best if you have a 6'7" wingspan and swim 44 miles per week.)

He does display one of my absolute pet peeves though, leading me to yell, "CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!" at the screen at a volume that the pupster does not find appropriate. But come on, man.


Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images AsiaPac


Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images AsiaPac


Clive Rose/Getty Images AsiaPac



Get it together. You look ... well, fabulous, actually. From the neck down. Above the chin you look like you might drink a lot of overchlorinated pool water.

But I can't fault you too much. You're giving the United States so much to be proud of. You know, aside from this dude.


REUTERS/Larry Downing