*fridge id.

Yessir, it's Freudian. Freud, you see, has a theory that there's no such thing as an accident. Which pisses me off, frankly. Is he saying that when I attempted that cookie recipe I ended up with a garbage can full of perfectly useful ingredients because I forgot you can't half 1 egg on PURPOSE? Because that was an accident. It could happen to anyone.

Right?

So I decided, instead of BLOWING. YOUR. MIND. with chocolate wonder, I'd take the Amateur Gourmet's challenge.

And so, without further ado (because ado would imply this would be a much less pathetic insight into my life), I bring you:

My refrigerator. It is very pleased to meet you.



Milk, salsa, soy sauce, cream, more milk, cottage cheese, black-olive hummus (which, YUM), light french onion dip, and Beth's beer. Hear that Grandma? It's BETH'S. She left it at my house when I was at the library. Reading to sick children.

Beneath that? Foil-wrapped bacon on top of a Tupperware of formerly melted chocolate, a tiny wedge of 2% Cracker Barrel Cheddar, and an empty salad spinner.

And then? Eggs and Diet Mt. Dew.

Total percentage of viable foodstuffs? Hovering firmly at 11%. The rest qualifies as questionable, curdled, and possibly poisonous.



Now, drawers. Ooh! Naughty!

Broccoli/cauliflower mix, old olives, a withering cucumber, and red onion. Then some black basil and Parmigiano. What's that you say? Oh, no! Black basil is not a gourmet variety. It is quite simple to make, in fact. Buy some packaged basil, throw it in the refrigerator, and wait one week. Voilá! You, too, have black basil. I recommend you keep it in a crisper drawer. That way it has its very own space in which to liquify.



Butter (oh I still love that butter dish!), pickles, pickle relish, more butter (hi Mom!), spaghetti sauce, hot sauce, brown mustard, tamari, yellow mustard, and what i think is a total of three bottles of ranch dressing (seriously, Mom, just navigate away. Look: novelty tees!), bottled ginger, prepared horseradish, roasted red peppers, hoisin, curry powder, grape jelly, mayos, dijon mustard, and wasabi mustard. Ketchups, a never-used eye mask, and cornmeal.

And now, you have seen into my psyche. Turns out it has some rotten spots and a lot of condiments.